I told myself that when I started this new blog, that I was going to keep it focused on the positives in my life, and use it to help myself become healthier. Over the weekend I had a long talk with a close friend about how being healthier isn’t just about being physically capable to lift more, run fast, walk further, but also to be better mentally. The last… I would say three years of my life have been very difficult for me. I rarely talk about it, mostly because it seems in this day and age, every Millennial is struggling in their own way with mental health. It feels that if I speak out, or reach out, I’m simply another statistic, and would be grouped in with the general crowd of like minded individuals struggling with who they are, where they belong, and what they are going to do?
2015 was an interesting year for me. The Christmas leading up to it, I confided with my best friends that I felt that I was going no where with my life. There was a lack of adventure, travel, excitement, fear… basically I was in a rut. While I still made, and have great memories, everything felt ridged and planned out. Josh and I committed that from that day forward, starting on New Years to… Do whatever the fuck we wanted. My mantra? Do what makes you happy. And I did. And I had the most amazing year of my life. Sure, there was bad days, but I went to sleep, and the next day made up for it usually. I focused more on making new friends, and trying things that I normally wouldn’t. Basically: I told my comfort zone to just fuck right off.
Why am I talking about this now? I’m not 100% sure. I had a long weekend alone. The first weekend where I went to work, in a location where I had no one to really talk to, and a lot of time to really let my brain just think to itself. It was scary. Josh had come home for December, and it had finally clicked that I wasn’t going to see him again for a couple more months, and it got me down. I kept wondering: Had I actually improved over the year? Was I more independent? Was I really doing everything on my own, or was I relying on other people? I’m still trying to figure that one out. Needless to say, reflecting on this all put me in a pretty bad place. I’m worried that I’m starting to push friends away again, or can’t stop thinking that they are trying to push me away, due to my neediness. I found myself looking at my phone, trying to think about reaching out to people, seeing what they’re doing, or if there was something that I was doing wrong. I decided that was a poor plan and clammed up for a few days. I’m still not 100%, or even 75% over this feeling, but I hope it passes. I know the people I care about care about me back, and that really, at the end of the day, as long as I know that, I’ll be ok.
Sunday was the last day of the month, and I had big plans for Monday. I started a new challenge: 21 Damn Early Days. Through my friends at Chasing Sunrise (You’ll read more about them, I promise), I’ve started a goal to wake up every morning, Monday through Friday at 4:30AM. That’s it. Nothing else. I don’t NEED to do anything, other than wake up, and check in. Seems trivial right? Well Monday, I cleaned the entire apartment, finished ALL the laundry, meal prepped the whole week, and managed to organize my trip itinerary. After that I looked at the clock: 11:00AM. Great. Time for a hike.
My turn to drive this week. I took to the road and collected Kristi, and Marvin. We made our way out to Belcerra for a nice hike through the forest, and emerging out in to a hidden beach overlooking Jug Island. Blogs online say it’s beautiful, and I took that with a grain of salt. It’s just an island, and on top of that, one that you cannot even get to. But once you’re there: Wow. Such a cool outcrop. We sat and played catch with the pug, and after 30 min, made our way back to the car. We ended up doing a couple more Kilometres than expected, so we figured we earned ourselves a beer or two, so kudos to Twin Sails, and Yellow Dog brewing in Port Moody for satisfying our thirst.
Writing this all down, this morning, at 7:00AM after being up for 2 and a half hours is near therapeutic. Has anything really changed? No. I’m still struggling with my thoughts. I still feel lost. I don’t know what’s happening with certain parts of my life. I feel like I’m losing people again. Is that Ok? Not really. But you kinda really just need to go with the flow. I’m not the only person out there struggling. The direction I’m going might not be the same as someone else’s, and as much as I might want that, eventually there’s going to be a fork in the road. No one knows the final destination, but I suppose the most exciting part is making your own path there.
On my way to the gym now! So I’m marking that in advance, since I plan on crushing today.